This Fair Lady

This Fair Lady
"Marriage?" Sir Baron von Dappershire, the most devastatingly handsome male Dashing Celebration Orimi to exist, exclaimed in horror. His darling Victoria Classypants, whose beauty nearly rivaled his own, was getting married to someone else? Preposterous!

"Yes, Sir Baron," answered Yap, the Red Mutt Melo. Yap had been Sir Baron von Dappershire's most loyal servant, having been faithfully at his master's side for a total of three years. "The rumors are saying that another fellow's proposed. And she accepted!"

"Rumors!" Sir Baron von Dappershire roared. "I was the one who gave her flowers on Valentines. I was the one who ordered only the best wine on our dates. I was the one who serenaded her on full moons! By all rights, we're practically engaged!"

Yap nodded along to Sir Baron von Dappershire's ranting. "Are you going to challenge her suitor to a duel?"

"Aye! A duel! Yap, fetch me my glove and my sword!"

The moment Yap fetched those items, Sir Baron von Dappershire bounded out of his room, only pausing at the giant mirror to make sure his red coat of fur was gleamingly bright and soft to look at and that there was nothing stuck between his teeth. Then, he was off, racing out of his grand mansion and to the other side of the Bridge where Victoria lived.

"Who goes there?" came the nasally voice of Victoria's footman when he arrived at the posh silver gates of her home. "Announce yourself."

"It's me," Sir Baron von Dappershire said. "I demand to see your mistress!"

"Ah," said Pip, the Catahoula Red Melo. She was a distant cousin of Yap's. "You. I'll have you know she's very busy right now--"

He bared his fangs at her and she quickly opened the gates.

He found Victoria puttering about in the red room, the room that he absolutely hated. It made him blend in with everything and Sir Baron von Dappershire was not an Orimi that blended in. No, not at all.

"Victoria!" he exclaimed. "What is this nonsense that I've been hearing about?"

"Oh, Sir Baron," Victoria sighed. She was a lovely, Classy Fireworks Orimi that he thought complemented himself very well. That was why he had chose her to woo over all the other available ladies.

"I met the most wonderful gentleman just a week ago--"

"I've known you for six months!"

"--he's a bit dark and mysterious and he doesn't talk much, but he was so kind and good towards me!--"

"I serenaded you."

"--Oh, the proposal was a bit unexpected for me too, but in my heart, I knew!" Victoria swooned onto her velvet red sofa. "I'm to be married today!"

"Today?" Sir Baron von Dappershire frowned. "Not if I have something to say about that!"

"I'm so happy," Victoria said, still on the sofa with hearts in her eyes. "Oh, happy day!"

He moved towards her, giving her the most pitiful look he could. "I thought we had something special," he said. "What happened?"

She looked at him, puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"The dates, the gifts, the songs--did they mean nothing to you, Victoria?"

"Were they supposed to? I'm terribly sorry, I didn't realize," she said, getting off the sofa. "I just thought you wanted someone to listen to you. After all, whenever we went somewhere, you liked to talk about yourself. Even the chocolates you gave me on Valentines were shaped after your likeness!"

"They were a general Orimi shape," he protested. "It was just coincidence that they had a hat on too."

"Yes, yes," Victoria said. She swished her tails to and fro as she went back to pacing the room. "Oh, I do hope he gets here soon. The wedding is only hours away!"

Undeterred by the rejection--who could reject him? He's handsome, charming, rich, and an incredibly great singer if he did say so himself--Sir Baron von Dappershire sidled up to her. He's sure that he was a better catch than her mysterious groom-to-be. "Who is this...fellow that's caught your fancy?"

"He's a Lord," she said in that besotted tone of hers.

A Lord? Well, Sir Baron von Dappershire could match that. He was a Sir and a Baron, after all.

"His castle looks out over a large plot of land."

Well. He had a mansion with a roof that was made with gold geodes.

"Oh, and he knows magic."

Magic? Pish, posh. He could still control his tails after a few bottles of wine. Could this lordly fellow do that?

As Sir Baron von Dappershire continued to compare himself to an imaginary Orimi of little worth, Pip rang the bell out by the hall, announcing the arrival of a guest.

"Oh, it's him! My Skully!"

She dashed from the room as quick as lightning, leaving Sir Baron von Dappershire to follow behind. He was not pleased at the turn of events. He would challenge this lowly Lord to a duel and win back his fair lady's heart when she saw how dashing and valiant he was in battle.

Sir Baron von Dappershire was so engrossed with his daydream of how he was going to best his enemy when he felt a chill go up his spine. He looked about the hall and realized that there were slight wisps of fog gathering in the corners.

"My Lord Skully," Victoria said dreamily, nuzzling one of the most terrifying Orimis that Sir Baron von Dappershire has ever seen. Even more terrifying than the Carrion Worm Orimis he saw some Halloweens ago.

This Orimi had skulls on each of his tails with the exception of one, which had a dirty white fur covering. The covering looked to be skinned Orimi fur and it draped over the Lord's head and shoulders like a shawl. The Lord wore a skull mask and had deep, inset eyes of glowing red. Blood was pooling on the floor where the Lord stood and there was a strange, sickly almond smell in the air. Nearly all of Sir Baron von Dappershire's courage deserted him the moment their eyes met.

"Who is this?" The Lord Orimi asked. His voice was dry and quiet, like someone ripped out his lungs.

"My Lord Skully, this is Sir Baron von Dappershire, the neighbor I was telling you about. Sir Baron, this is Lord Skully de Schnapperjaws."

Lord Skully looked at him with his terrifying eyes and said: "A pleasure."

Sir Baron von Dappershire refused to be intimidated, especially by someone like him. He puffed up his chest, as high as his ruff would go, and said in his most genial tone: "Likewise. I've heard that you're asking Miss Victoria here for her paw in marriage?"

Lord Skully's mouth moved in what seemed like a smile, but was more like him baring his very long, very sharp teeth. "I've already asked," he said. He looked at Victoria at his side. "Shall we go? Our carriage awaits."

Outside was a modest black carriage surrounded by thick, cloying fog with two disgusting Unuses harnessed to it. They were both clearly corpses, with bits and pieces of flesh hanging off of their flanks while other parts of them were completely exposed with maggot riddled holes. Their eyes were sunken and glassy and Sir Baron von Dappershire had no idea how they were in any condition to pull a carriage when they looked like they were going to fall apart at any moment.

Victoria seemed at ease, following Lord Skully into the carriage.

"Victoria!" Sir Baron von Dappershire hissed at her through the window. "Are you mad?"

"Whatever do you mean?"

"He's clearly a lunatic, with those skulls and the dead Unuses! You'll be throwing your life away!"

She smiled at him. "You are free to attend the reception, if you'd like," she said. "Is he not, milord?"

He heard no response, but assumed that Lord Skully had nodded.

But did he dare go? No, he didn't. But he wouldn't be able to live it down without challenging Lord Skully for the paw of Victoria Classypants. Sir Baron von Dappershire was not one to be humiliated!

"Lord Skully!" he bellowed, making his voice deep and threatening. "Come out at once and face me in a duel!" He threw his glove through the carriage's opened door. "The prize...Victoria!"

"Sir Baron!" Victoria shrieked, dismayed. "It is my wedding day!"

"I don't think she appreciates being treated as an object, Sir," Lord Skully said from within the carriage. "But I accept. Name your terms."

He stepped out, eyes glowing fiercely. The skulls' eyes were glowing as well and it took everything Sir Baron von Dappershire to not run. If he bested Lord Skully in combat, not only would he be a hero, but he'd have saved Victoria's life. Victoria was bound to marry him!

"A combat duel!" Sir Baron von Dappershire exclaimed.

"To the death?" Lord Skully asked.

"That's barbaric," Sir Baron von Dappershire gasped. "The first one to fall loses."

He was still readying his sword when Lord Skully shoved into him, nearly forcing him off his feet in surprise. He swiped back with his paw, but Lord Skully had turned his tails to use as a shield and that was when he realized the skulls were hissing and snapping at him.

"You're a monster," Sir Baron von Dappershire whispered.

Lord Skully said nothing in reply before barreling into him again, this time laying him flat on the ground. He just looked at Sir Baron von Dappershire and pulled his mouth back into that horrifying not-grin.

'He's going to skin me alive and then display my hideously mangled corpse for everyone in Ay and Ara to see,' Sir Baron von Dappershire thought. 'And he'll use my fur as a throw rug!'

"There is a lady present," Lord Skully said. "I will not spill blood."

Sir Baron von Dappershire could feel all the blood rushing through his bloodstream in freight.

"Next time, however, you will not be so lucky. Would you still like to come to the reception?"

He couldn't even form an answer.

Lord Skully's smile grew wider. "Good," he said. "I hope to not see you again."

'Same here,' Sir Baron von Dappershire thought. 'I would like to never see you again either.' Instead, he managed to squeak out in a surprisingly steady tone: "Congratulations on your engagement."

Lord Skully chuckled and stepped back into the carriage.

That was the last time he ever heard or saw of Victoria. But then again, he never went looking.